the 028
for teganboy
By: j l farmer
i have been trying to write
you something
for weeks but it hasn't been
coming off and i realised that
it's because i love you and for once
it isn't painful
so what i am trying to say is that
there is nothing that i have to say but
what i have learned is that
biting my tongue only gets
me a mouthful of blood
and another thing i have learned is that people have faces and voices
and what makes death so strange is that those things can suddenly be gone
and you will never see nor hear
exactly the same one again
i know
i'm the last person
who should be talking to you
about this so please pretend
this is just a combination
of twenty six letters
i have been fascinated with
how everything big
is just a large version of something
smaller
like the slats of your bedframe are
of your ribs
and the valley of the shadow of death is
of your philtrum in the shadow of your breath
and you are
of her
did you know that
a bluebottle is not a single bottle
but a collection of smaller shards
and the other day
i stepped on one
and it made me realise
that sometimes strength
is made of broken pieces and the most profound descriptions
of beauty are written
in places
that harbour
unimaginable pain
and that reminded me of you
please
pretend these are just letters
i wish i were
a big enough person
to live up to my promise
to swallow the ocean for you
and drown your sadness in my mouth
i wish
i were a big enough person
to tell you this in person
i wish
this was just a combination of buttons
i would press
your pain to zero in a book
like i did with the flowers
you gave me
and burn it
but some things always remain too big
to fall through the grate
area code of where she died
photographs
favourite songs
empty place at the table
desires to lie in the dark forever
you in your black world
and me
claiming i could move planets
to make the sun shine
back on it
